The one in which I cover: Reflective Calm | The Scale & Stages of Transitions | Know where you are

I ease in with my personal reflections for October along with an invitation to reflect on how you're flowing. This month, the Insight, Tips, Quote and Reflection Questions are anchored to the theme of 'Transitions'.

I hope you find value for yourself and/or for supporting those around you #BeBetterTogether

If you feel the need for something different, check out past blogs.

How are you Flowing?

Reflective Calm

As a child, I spent a lot of time in the swimming pool (one of the many joys of growing up in Hong Kong) and I used to love the sensation of gently breathing out, sinking down to sit cross legged in the deep end and watching the swimmers from below. It was a calm, still place. The last few weeks of October have had a similar quality. Seeing through water brings a softness and turns down the volume on everything. It has a peaceful, away from it all sensation.

It’s felt like an inwards, away from being ‘out there’ month. Whatever ‘out there’ may mean! The insight gained from September’s reflection released the tension I’d been holding, where I resented my seemingly huge list of practical jobs for stealing my creativity. As is often the way, when one stops struggling towards something and accepts what is, the flow returns. The acceptance of practicality bought with it a surge of creative energy. Arnold Beisser called this the paradox of change and you’ll find his quote below.

If I’m not ‘out there’, then where am I? 

When I headed up the floral team at Sainsbury’s we’d talk abut the shoulders of the buying season. This is the time at the start and end of the peak growing season. October was one of these months for English flowers, it was a neither here or there month. And that’s where I feel I’ve been, neither here or there. A bit on the edges, sitting quietly, reflecting and observing. So I’m calling this month, Reflective Calm.

In preparation for joining my quarterly group supervision, I mused over the question of feeling substantial vs insubstantial. I enjoyed following my insights and diving into some self-curated learning around self-deception and the neurobiology of what makes some coaching interventions so reliably successful for clients. It would have been so easy to stop at this first layer of insights, however supervision took me both deeper and out to the edges of the question and experience.

Going beneath the surface of initial reactions is why I coach & supervise. I believe that when we spend time in the space beneath and at the edges, we gain new perspectives, reshape beliefs about ourselves and others. This month was a beautiful reminder to slow down time, to notice set patterns and to play amongst them.

In this month’s Insight & Tip, I continue this question of knowing where we are though the lens of Transitions.

Thank you for being the witness to where I am each month.

Question:

Where do you notice you are?

Reflect:

• What is your body memory of the last month?

• What images or metaphors come to mind?

• What can you let go of to allow more of something else to emerge?

• What do you need for the month ahead?

The Insight

The Scale and Stages of Transitions

How do you know when you're through to the other side of a life or career transition? What do you do to catalyse moving on from the Idea of change into the stage of Preparing and Ending? What Messy Middle are you resourced for?

In life, we are constantly experiencing the various shifting stages of change. These shifts, whether of our own choosing or created by others can alter our sense of who we are, and therefore significantly impact our emotions, actions, relationships, and overall well-being. This feels core to the work of coaching, and clients I’m working with are always in one of the different stages of Transition.

To effectively navigate these changes, my sense is that it's helpful to understand the different types and stages of transitions.

Scaling what you are going through and knowing where you are in the transition calms the brain’s constant desire to predict the future. It gives us choice as to where we put our focus; in the current moment or towards the past or future. We chunk it down to make it feel possible and to bring a sense of control, to stay in touch with our values, identity and relationships.

The way I frame this blends three sources which I detail in Further Reading (Feiler, Bridges, Gestalt). Check out the Tips section below for some guided self-reflection.

The Three Building Blocks of Identity

According to Feiler, during transitions, our sense of identity can be disrupted. The three key components of identity are ABC:

• Agency: Our ability to influence the world around us - our ME

• Belonging: Our connections with others - our WE

• Cause: Our sense of purpose and meaning - our THE

Scale of Transitions

From my own experience and working with clients, I notice 3 levels of Transitions:

• Low-Level Transitions: Subtle shifts, such as changing seasons or returning from holiday. While seemingly minor, they still hold influence over our moods and behaviors & require a gear-change adjustment rather than dismissal. Think of them as prodding our relationship with our identity.

• Mid-Level Transitions: More significant changes that can challenge multiple components of our identity. Examples include career changes, significant relationship milestones, or moving to a new location/country.

• Life-Quake* Transitions: Seismic events that fundamentally alter our lives. These can include major health issues, gender, job loss, or the death of a loved one. They are significant disrupts to our identity and often lead to a rebalancing of our lead component.

[* - See Feiler in Further Reading]

Voluntary vs. Involuntary Transitions

According to Feiler 43% of Transitions are involuntary. My experience tells me that it's not always true to assume that involuntary transitions are negative or emotionally harder. They can bring unexpected energy and vitality.

• Voluntary Transitions: Initiated by choice, such as starting a new job; choosing to move location; moving in together and so on.

• Involuntary Transitions: Occur unexpectedly & beyond your control. Examples range from aging to company restructures.

We can then break these down into whether they occur within life or our careers, see the inset graphic.

The Stages of Transition

1. The Idea/Suspicion: The time before the impending change. It's there and taking up head space but often with little constructive action. Consider What is an appropriate amount of time, energy and action to give it?

2. Preparing and Ending: Practical planning and letting go of the old to make room for the new. It's the time to envision and plan. It can be helpful to keen next steps simple with focus on the essential minimum, not the possible maximum. In saying goodbye to what was be consiously appreciative. Acknowledge both what it has given to you and what has been taken from you.

3. The Messy Middle: The often long and chaotic period of transition. This is the place between. Develop strategies and support systems for staying in uncertainty. Pay attention to your emotional and physical health.

4. The New Beginning: Embracing the new reality and embedding the new. You (and others) may think it's now over. But it's not! Now is the time to build habits which support and nurture you, your relationships and your rejigged identity.

Knowing where you are in Transition is powerful. It helps bring focus to what is needed and helpful in the current moment without losing sight of the end game. I whole heartedly agree with Feiler's view that it's not a linear process. Be prepared for it to feel cyclical at times.

A Transition or a Response?

When writing this, I was curious about significant world events like 9/11 or Covid.  Here’s where I got to:

• Responding to these new environments does not feel like a transition. It is more of an adjustment, adaptation; often requiring evaluation & strategic decision making.

• However, what the event may do, is trigger a transition, or act as a catalyst to move onto the next stage.

• A transition is always linked to our sense of identity and how we like to be seen.

If you want to explore this for yourself, start with the exercise and questions in The Tip section below. If you need more, then reach out for a conversation or ask for an alternative coach recommendation.

The Tip

Know where you are

Looking through the lens of Transitions, where are you?

Here is an exercise and some reflective questions which I've created for you

The Exercise: Map & Scale

Sketch out a 4 box matrix like the one shown above.

1. Identify the Transitions you are currently in & plot them

2. Indicate Scale of Impact on you by giving them a bubble size

3. Indicate Stage of Transition by giving the bubble a colour (pick colours that have meaning for you)

Ask yourself - What do you notice?

In this example, I notice that the Idea of a Big Birthday ahead seems to be taking up more space than it should. That Caring for Aging Parents hovers in the middle, feeling both voluntary and involuntary whilst impacting both life and career.

Both of these Transitions shout out for a bit more reflection.

Reflective Questions

Picking a key transition you’d like to explore in more detail:

• Which stage of the transition are you in?

• What are your feelings, thoughts and body sensations about this change at this moment in time?

• Who else is being impacted by you experiencing this transition?

• What is most challenging for you right now about this transition? Which need is not being met? Which component part of your identity feels challenged?

• What are you most in need of at this time? (It's likely that you will say certainty or control. Go beyond that - certainty or control over what? Circle back to the previous question)

• What is within your power to act upon and/or influence? What is not?

• What can you do in the short term to make this transition a postive and generative experience?

• Who could you be asking for help?

• Which relationships would benefit from knowing where you are?

If this is your team member/ client:

Use the above exercises and questions to help them

• see where they are

• tune into what they need

• shape what support they would like from you

Here are some suggested discussion points to use with them:

• How do you typically react to change?

• What are your strengths when dealing with uncertainty?

• What lessons have you learnt from past transitions?

• What support systems and strategies do you have in place?

• What are you doing to care for your physical and mental health during this time?

• What are your long-term goals, and how does your currrent situation align to your desired future?

The Quote

>>> The paradox of change.

When we stop trying to be something, we allow more of what is true to appear.

The Reflection Question

Further reading

For more in-depth information on Transitions, consider exploring the work of Bruce Feiler, William Bridges and the Gestalt Cycle of Experience

William Bridges and Bruce Feiler, have made significant contributions to our understanding of transitions. Their work focuses on the psychological and emotional aspects of change, offering valuable insights and practical guidance for navigating life's inevitable transitions.  

Bridges' seminal work, "Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes," delves into the three stages of any transition: endings, neutral zones, and new beginnings. He emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and processing endings, embracing the uncertainty of the neutral zone, and actively creating new beginnings. Bridges' framework provides a structured approach to understanding and managing change, helping individuals to move through transitions with greater ease and resilience.  

Feiler's "Life Is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age" takes a broader perspective, exploring the various types of transitions that individuals encounter throughout their lives. He highlights the importance of embracing nonlinearity and recognizing that life is not always a straightforward progression. Feiler's research emphasizes the significance of personal narratives and storytelling in making sense of transitions. He encourages individuals to view transitions as opportunities for growth and transformation, rather than simply obstacles to overcome.   * Life Quake is an expression coined by Feiler. 1 in 10 Transitions becomes a Life Quake - something seismic.

Both Bridges and Feiler's work underscores the importance of self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and intentional action in navigating transitions. They emphasize the need to develop a growth mindset, cultivate resilience, and seek support from others during times of change. By understanding the psychological processes involved in transitions and applying practical strategies, individuals can better manage the challenges and embrace the opportunities that change presents

The Gestalt Cycle of Experience is a model that describes the dynamic process of human interaction with the environment. It's based on the observation that individuals continuously cycle through stages of sensation, awareness, mobilisation, action, contact, satisfaction, and withdrawal as they respond to arising needs. The cycle begins with a sensation, which is then followed by an awareness of that sensation. This awareness leads to a mobilisation of energy, which in turn leads to an action. The action results in contact with the environment, which leads to satisfaction of the need that initiated the cycle. Finally, the individual withdraws from the situation and rests.   This cycle is constantly repeating itself, and it is the basis for all human behaviour. It is a way of understanding how we interact with the world and how we make sense of our experiences.

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What grabbed your interest?

If this prompts you to do something different or supports a reframe, I'd love to celebrate and support the changes you are making. Keep me in the loop :)

Thank you for joining me this month. For all rave testimonials, typos, helpful feedback, conversations about working together, message me on LinkedIn or drop me an email: felicity@bendtheriver.org