Floating Leaf | Authenticity in Relationships Lacking Gel | Build a Platform of Value™️

In this month's Flow with Felicity,

• I share my personal experiences of life on the surface, akin to being a Floating Leaf

• I explore authenticity & the power play in Relationships Lacking Gel

• In The Tip, I share the Platform of Value™️ intention for when relationships lack that immediate chemistry

• Discover ~Bend the River principle #4

I draw on my coaching and life experiences to write this for Leaders, Founders, Life Seekers and Coaches. I hope you find value for yourself and/or for supporting those around you. #BeBetterTogether

How are you Flowing?

My Personal Reflection: Floating Leaf

February has felt like a month of floating along like this upturned leaf on the surface of the river. I’ve been moving, sometimes with purpose, like I’ve caught a current. Sometimes getting snagged on something, and at other times just drifting without any forceful power. I’ve been on the surface not in the depths of my life.

It’s been a month split between time in Switzerland and time in the UK, whilst also being focused on heading to Canada for a big ski adventure taking in 5 ski resorts. So, there has certainly been more time and attention on travel / getting ready for travel than in any usual month.

In my reflections, I’ve been pondering this sensation of surface. It can feel insubstantial and a little bit blah. I can feel less connected to myself and others. In conversation with my lovely friend Kanchan, I identified that I prefer the immersion of depth; and an absence of that sensation can lead me to be a bit judgy of myself.

At which point, I realised that whilst I may prefer a more immersed sense of self, that was not what I wanted for this time. I wanted to be on the surface. Acknowledging that helped me value my place on the surface, and the gently drifting; that it was serving a purpose in this month of moving about & travel.

The movement certainly felt purposeful when I pressed PUBLISH for the website refresh. And it’s been nice that the idea of completing it is no longer weighing me down. Of course, there are more builds that I would like to make, but the core building blocks of the updated proposition are now captured. Bringing the website into its new form has been a bit like writing a book (so I hear!); the creative process has been about clarifying my own thinking and beliefs, and how I articulate them.

As so often happens, when I get to this point in these monthly reflections, something new comes up. This month, I can make sense of the snagging feeling. When the floating leaf gets caught against something else in the river.  It arises when I’m not sufficiently meeting my desire to be of value to others. It meets my need to be of value when I have plentiful opportunities to coach others to know who they are and to be better together meets my need to be of value. It’s mutually beneficial. I need to be mindful of this when focusing on my business development.

Thank you for being the witness to where I am each month.

Questions:

• Where are you? On the surface or in the depths?

• What’s it like there?

• What do you value about being there?

• What do you like less? 

Reflect:

• What is your body memory of the last month?

• What images or metaphors come to mind?

• What can you let go of to allow more of something else to emerge?

• What do you need for the month ahead?

Relationships Lacking Gel

How can you be authentic in a relationship that lacks the immediate easy likability factor?

This month's Insight stems from a thought-provoking question posed at my local Lunch Club with You are the Media. The topic was Relationships, specifically within the business and workplace context. The question: "How do you build an authentic relationship with people you don't naturally 'gel' with?"

Does it even matter? Absolutely. If the quality of our work is influenced by the quality of our relationships, then neglecting these connections can significantly impact our output and overall success.

For the "how-to," skip to The Tip below. For the "why" and exploration of different scenarios, read on >>>

This scenario can arise in any work relationship: with a direct report, a peer, a line manager, or a senior stakeholder. We don't always get to choose who we work with; the question becomes how we work with them while remaining true to ourselves.

What is "Gel," anyway? Let's have a a go at defining it:

• Glue: The reason you connect. At work, it's often about getting things done. Socially, it might be a shared passion

• Energy: The positive emotional exchange within the relationship which arises out of the interaction

• Like-ability: Easiness in the interaction between the two of you

Virginia Satir's quote resonates deeply: "We get together on the basis of our similarities; we grow on the basis of our differences". Sometimes, that initial "similarity" isn't immediately and easily apparent. While some bonds form over shared hobbies or interests, others develop around shared values like learning, curiosity, and growth.

When this is absent, we might notice that we don't feel fully ourselves. Less of us shows up or less of us seems seen. To improve our feelings of how we belong, we might find ourselves 'bending' to be more like the other, and therefore lose our authenticity.

But what are the options when that common ground isn't obvious, and you want to be authentic rather than a chameleon?

In work relationships, it's important to pay attention to the power dynamics at play. These often leave us feeling it's down to someone else to resolve, but in each situation you can take action.

The Power Dynamics at Play

Your Direct Report

When it’s someone who works for you, whether you like it or not, the inherent power in the relationship naturally lies with you, their manager. As such they often look to you to initiate and lead any ways of working and people conversations. They will follow your lead.

And the reality is, whether you recruited this person or not, it is your responsibility to help this person develop and bring their best to their work. ‘Gelling’ with them will help them do this.

Your Line Manager

The reverse of the above, also plays out. If it’s all a bit awkward with your boss and it doesn’t feel like your relationship has much natural flow, you’re likely to be keeping fingers crossed and waiting for them to sort it out. After all, they’ve got the experience and pay grade so surely they know what to do? But what if it’s not either their natural skill set or one they’ve acknowledged is important to learn?

With Senior Stakeholders

A relationship with those senior to you, but not your direct line manager can take many forms. The power is often balanced towards the seniority. You may believe that their opinion holds more sway in your organisation than yours. A word from this person to your line manager could make or break your role, your promotion, or your bonus.  It’s likely that you are hoping that they will do something to create the ‘gel’. Again, you may wait in hope.

With Peers

As equals, it’s easy to believe that it would be overstepping the mark to suggest a conversation about how you work together. You hope it’s going to get better over time, and that the longer you work together it will get easier. Unlike the seniority power play, you don’t rely on them to change the relationship, you rely on TIME to play its part and build trust. And depending on your personality type, you may have a tendency to ‘jolly’ it along in the hope that extra energy will change it.

(FYI, I have a clear view on Time - it is not a reliable trust builder. See The Tip in #4 Flow with Felicity)

So in all but one of these scenarios, you’re left waiting in hope. And maybe, even as the line manager, you’re feeling the responsibility but don’t know what to do. Either way, it’s taking up mental and physical energy.

Let’s look at how we can give this effort and energy a new focus, so it can improve the quality of the relationship.

Instead of thinking about 'Gel', we're going to consciously build a Platform of Value™️

What is a Platform of Value™️?

It is an understanding of each other's values, motivations, work and relationship preferences. It is a solid foundation from which trust can emerge. It is shared information and insight which enables you to design how you can best work together.

It takes a different kind of conversation, with different questions, and can be used across all the different types of workplace relationships.

There are broadly two approaches which are very effective, an explicit 'let's chat' and a less explicit way in which you reframe the questions you ask.

Firstly, being explicit about having a ‘get to know you & ways to work’ chat. This is highly effective if you need to collaborate and work closely together. You are dependent on each other’s input and output to fulfil the requirements of your role. I’ve found it effective with peers that I’m involving in a project; with a line manager who was the key sponsor of one of my projects and with members of my direct report team.

How does it help?

Whilst this is a conversation initiated by you, it helps to create a mutual acknowledgement that how you work together matters. It has benefits for both parties.

For how to have this conversation, see The Tip

Secondly, to not be explicit but to simply switch the types of question that you ask the other person & to change what you share about yourself. This one works well, with those who are less directly involved in your work. This may be a Peer or a Senior Stakeholder relationship.

How does it help?

This helps you change how you experience in the relationship, and therefore how you respond to the other person. Changing your response, enables the other person to respond in a different way. It breaks the pattern of interaction which may have become a bit rigid.

The questions you are asking are seeking information which helps you understand them as a person. This gives a connecting thread at a human level. It can be stronger than being able to banter about your shared sport.

Switch from "doing" questions (e.g., "What did you do this weekend?") to "being" questions (e.g., "What matters most to you about your role?" "What was it like for you when you started out?"). Share your own answers to these "being" questions. Be the role model.

Summing Up

We can all be the initiators of a different kind of conversation which will start to build a Platform of Value™️. It may not be the ‘gel’ which you’re familiar with, but it will enhance and bring strength and elasticity to your workplace relationship. Allowing you both to be authentic.

Elasticity in a relationship allows it to flex under forces such as differences of opinions, different work rhythms, different objectives, external investment and business performance pressures, life pressures and so on. It allows us to repair any misunderstandings or disrupts that occur.

Reflection Questions

• Think of your most important work relationships, what has bonded you together?

• Which relationships most need a Platform of Value™️?

• What belief do you need to change in order to become the initiator of the relationship conversation?

The Tip

Build a Platform of Value™️

My go to recommendaitaon for those seeking a guide to an explict purposeful two-way conversation to build a Platform of Value™️ is the Keystone Conversation by Michael Bungay Stanier.

It works well at any time, especially at the start of a relationship or during a transition.

These five questions structure your Keystone Conversation:

1. Amplify: What are your best moments, talents, and what you love and excel at? Differentiate between fulfillment and skill.

   
   

2. Steady: What are your practices and preferences? How do you like to work? Share these to identify similarities and potential conflicts.

   
   

3. Good Date: What can you learn from successful past relationships?

   
   

4. Bad Date: What can you learn from frustrating past relationships?

   
   

5. Repair: How will you fix things when they go wrong? Acknowledge that challenges will arise and identify how you'll address them.

   
   

(For coaches, these questions also work well in a contracting conversation with a new client)

Preparing for the Keystone Conversation:

• Invite them: I'd like us to chat about how we work together.../ I'd like to spend some time with you building a strong platform for the work we need to do together.

• Explain the purpose: Share the five questions and allow for refleciton time. Invite questions.

• In the conversation, be curious: Ask "what else?" and show appreciation for what is shared.

  
  

For the full outline, check out Michael Bungay Stanier's book, How to Work with (Almost) Anyone.

The Quote

>>> Building new skills takes practice. Literally, our neurones need repetition to build new pathways of behaviour. This takes intention and attention.

~Bend the River principle #4

The ~Bend the River approach encourages us to embrace every relationship and notice what it shows us.

💚 Individual >< Whole = We accept our inter-connection and interdependence with others, the situation and the whole. We were born of relationship and are inherently social beings, needing others for our development and well-being.

The Reflection Question

Work with me

Everything starts with an Intro Chat

If you're thinking about working with me as your coach or coach supervisior, let's get some time in the diary. We will explore what you're hoping for, get a feel for our relationship and cover options.

Reach out today, if for no other reason that you will be clearer about something by the end of our call! felicity@bendtheriver.org

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Next Flow with Felicity coming out, first friday of the month, Friday 4th April.

What grabbed your interest?

If this prompts you to do something different or supports a reframe, I'd love to celebrate and support the changes you are making. Keep me in the loop :) I love an update.

felicity@bendtheriver.org