The First Year Summary Issue + Swirling Stones + Overcoming Resistance to allow Feedback to create change

I’ve made it to a year of doing this. Yippee! In this 12th issue of Flow with Felicity, I’m looking back (not easy for a present/future preference person!) and have prepared a summary of everything I’ve written about so far. 

Along with my personal reflections this month choose your curated reading pathway. They offer insights and tips to help leaders, founders/owners, life seekers and coaches build self-awareness and bring strength and elasticity to your life and work relationships.

I've been feeling some resistance this month, so that was the inspiration for The Tip.

I hope you find value for yourself and/or for supporting those around you.

#BeBetterTogether

How are you Flowing?

My Personal Reflection: Swirling Stones

As January ends, I’m coming to the end of my winter time in Switzerland. The clouds roll in, snow falls, the sun comes out, the snow melts and the cycle repeats. The movement of the season is perpetually evident in its coming and going.

I emerged from the Cocoon Comfort of December through conversations with others. See the snow covered stones in this river?  Each one feels like the space of someone else. And like each of these stones in the water, each one creates ripples in my flow of experience.

In one conversation, we mused upon our shared experience that when we meet with others we see and feel ourselves more. We get a sense of our own size, shape and flow. We feel our difference to others, and notice the connecting energies.

Whilst all the conversations have been additive, two have been more confronting. At my request, I’ve been given feedback around my approach to work which has felt hard to hear. I can still feel it’s agitating quality within me. The ripples and swirl are feeling quite significant. It makes me question how I approach the business side of my practice and I lose confidence in the changes I've been making to my website. My momentum on that projects is disrupted, meaning it slips back yet again. Eurgh.

On both occasions, the feedback was offered to me within a group and this always amplifies my sense of vulnerability. It leads me to adopt a receptive professional demeanour whilst sinking on the inside. I was able to vocalise with humour that it was hard to hear and felt like a firm prod.

I’m reminded that it takes effort to stay in the swirl of my response. It would be much easier to shut it down, dismiss the feedback, and dismiss the person, and continue with my own view and actions. But that defeats my objective of opening up the conversation and inviting the feedback in the first place. If all I want is reinforcement of what I believe, then why ask someone else? It would be all about my ego and not respectful to the knowledge and experience of the other person.

It goes to show that I’m out of practice of inviting in alternative views. That perhaps I am too used to working solo & not having an echo chamber. It’s left me with lots to ponder, and I’ve decided not to make any quick decisions off the back of the feedback, but to stay in the swirl of the stones. Hence the name for this month’s river: Swirling Stones.

Thank you for being the witness to where I am each month.

PS. As I reflect this month, I’m reminded of two useful frameworks which I share in The Tip section below. One is around resistance, and the other is around levels of listening.

Questions:

• Who do you trust to ask for feedback?

• When you receive feedback that’s hard to hear, how do you respond?

• If there was a hard truth for you, what would it be? [Hard truths are the ones we already know but dont want to admit or face]

  
  

Reflect:

• What is your body memory of the last month?

• What images or metaphors come to mind?

• What can you let go of to allow more of something else to emerge?

• What do you need for the month ahead?

Looking back

The First Year of Flow with Felicity Summary

In the first year of writing Flow with Felicity, I was inspired by the work with individual clients. Their themes catalysed my thinking and I wrote from what was fresh in my mind and heart, offering it to you for your self-reflection. The format of writing has been broadly consistent.  As time has progressed, I was drawn to linking The Insight and The Tip around a theme. The Insight is more about the situation, the theory and the why. The Tip is more practical. If The Insight gets you thinking, then The Tip aims to get you into taking action.

After 6 Issues I stopped the I’m Pondering section as it felt like too much, both for me and also for you to read! In Issue 8, I switched it into a more punchy Reflection Question which I include in the accompanying email.

I like Quotes that encapsulate something. They act as short sharp reminders when we are in the midst of life, change and relationships.

They are an exploration of what’s been going on for me. They are a moment when I pause each month to look at my life through imagery and my felt bodily experience. It helps me get a fresh perspective which may otherwise be missed. It often unblocks me and gets me back in flow. I share it in the hope that it resonates with you, enriches our relationship and/or inspires your own reflection. And I get to keep taking new pics of rivers!

It hasn't always been easy to write. Either to tap into what feels most relevant or to find the discipline & attention to write. But now, looking back, it helps bring further clarity to who and what I care about.

And, if I didn't know it before, it's clear that I love imagery and alliteration.

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Your Curated Reading Pathways

Whilst I believe that we can each learn something from everything, I appreciate time is not unlimited, so I’ve curated some suggested reading pathways for my different groups of clients:

For Leaders of Teams, check out Issue #4 and The KASE Framework, it’s a great structure for using with team members who are struggling with under confidence and bringing their value to the team. Use the Insights in Issues #1, #2 and #6 to consider if your team benefits from the value of different ways of working and experiencing the world or has a dominant pattern of communication. With new starters, The Tip in Issue #4 reminds us that Trust is not dependent on time in role.

For Founders and Business Owners, there is value for your partnership and your work relationships in the Issues I’ve highlighted for the Leaders. For the balance in your lives check out Issue #6 and the SMARTs framework and do a sense check of what’s bringing you fulfilment. Creating and running your own business is a rich learning ground, and gives you many opportunities to evolve as an adult. The stages of adult development are included in Issue #3.

For Life Seekers, read Issue #9 first. It’s all about the junctions of life and establishing where you are in the transition. Scale the level of change you are creating or facing. It’s a practical first step which brings calm and focus. Then tap into Issue #7, and read about The Awareness of Pace. It can be tempting to rush through change in order to return to certainty. Support yourself to stay in the limbo space of in-between and allow time to bring what you need. When you are ready, check out Issue #11 and Experiment to Springboard Change.

For Coaches, Issue #10 will appeal. It is a reminder to deepen awareness of our body wisdom when working with clients. To still the questioning mind, and sink into the embodied sense of the work. Play with the B shape exercise and notice your shape when working with different clients, and doing different types of work. To continue exploration, dive into Issue #5 and the Coaching approach of Unfolding.

All Issues In Summary

Issue #1

• The Insight - Visual, Auditory, Kinaesthetic? How our language preferences can create or break connection with others

• The Tip - Tackle creeping self-doubt that sets in after making a decision or taking action

• I’m Pondering - The topic of Confidence

Issue #2

• The Insight - Convincer Patterns - What does it take for you to be convinced? Is it automatic?  Does it take time? Or repetition?

• The Tip - Swop Why Q’s for What Q’s. Minimise receiving a defensive response.

• I'm Pondering - The Power of Witness: The Accountability Advantage of Human Connection.

Issue #3

• The Insight - Evolving our Adult selves: The Stages of Self-Discovery

• The Tip - How to do voice messages on Linked In.

• I’m Pondering - What feels right to share? How much of me and what’s of interest to others?

Issue #4

• The Insight - The KASE Framework: How Skills Build Confidence

• The Tip - Time does not build trust in relationships. Trust is built through our actions.

• I’m Pondering - Memory and the brain-body relationship.

Issue #5

• The Insight - What is nothing is missing? The Coaching approach of Unfolding

• The Tip - Break the Trigger cycle. Respond well instead of react less well.

• I’m Pondering - Attention and the implication of its decline in society.

Issue #6

• The Insight - Introverted Leadership - What does participation and leadership look like as an introvert in a workplace which seems dominated by extroverts?

• The Tip - Respect is two-way. There is space for everyone when we share.

• I’m Pondering - SMARTS - The balance of a successful & satisfying life.

Issue #7

• The Insight - The Awareness of Pace.

Issue #8

• The Insight - The Double-Edged sword of the People Pleaser driver

• The Tip - From Over-Giving to Clear Boundaries

This was by far the most popular post!

Issue #9

• The Insight - The Scale and Stages of Transitions.

• The Tip - Know where you are.

Issue #10

• The Insight - Accessing the Wisdom of the Body.

• The Tip - What's your B shape? A way of exploring the sensation of your body. Connect to yourself in order to find balance.

Issue #11

• The Insight - Experiment to Springboard Change.

• The Tip - Swop New Year Resolutions for Experiments.

Issue #12 (this one!)

• The First Year in Summary

• The Tip - Overcoming resistance to allow Feedback to create change.

The Tip

Overcoming Resistance to allow Feedback to Create Change 

Prompted by my own experience this month, I find these two frameworks of help when receiving feedback. They remind me that staying open and receptive takes attention and focus. It helps us stay in relationship with others rather than bailing out or pretending it didn’t matter.

Firstly, Rick Maurer’s view on resistance, which has 3 levels & escalates like this:

• I don’t get it

• I don’t like it

• I don’t like you

It’s a classic & now you know it, you’ll see it everywhere. See if you notice it in yourself. I certainly do! Read more here

Switch from the reaction to an open response.

Example open response statements are:

• I don’t get it  -  I’m struggling to understand/ get it, can you reframe it/ say more about it?

• I don’t like it -  I hear it and I notice I don’t like this element of it, it’s creating some fear/ anxiety/ irritation (add in relevant emotion) in me. What’s it like for you?

• I don’t like you - I’m finding it hard to like you right now, can you bear with me, whilst I grapple with my own resistance?

  
  

Secondly, Scharmer and Kaufer’s  4 Levels of Listening. 

Although directed at leaders, it’s a fabulous prompt for considering the depth at which you listen to others. From Downloading to Generative Listening, there is a change from listening out for what you want to hear, to listening at a level in which you are prepared to be changed.

Listen to / Watch Otto Scharmer explain it here

Or download my guide to Listening

3 Questions

• What is your response and resistance?

• Where are you listening from?

• What are you open to?

Practice mindful attention and notice your inner reaction in the moment.

This is not about supression, it's about expression. When we overly suppress & hide what is within side ourselves, we lose 'contact' with others.

Equally, just blurting out what we feel can have the same impact. It can create distance and hurt in a relationship.

Instead find words which describe your inner reaction. Stay open and in the relationship. Avoid the ejection button!

The Quote

>>> I heard someone say something like this a long time ago (but had to look up the source!) It has always stayed with me. Show up with consistency.

I will be here every month for another year.

Thank you for showing up too 💚

~Bend the River principle #6

The ~Bend the River approach encourages us to embrace the natural non-linearity of life and relationships.

💚 Bespoke & Familiar = You are unique, so the work and our relationship is bespoke to, and with you. What is familiar, is the human struggle and innate desire for learning & social connection.

The Reflection Question

Work with me

Everything starts with an Intro Chat

If you're thinking about working with me as your coach or coach supervisior, let's get some time in the diary. We will explore what you're hoping for, get a feel for our relationship and cover options.

Reach out today, if for no other reason that you will be clearer about something by the end of our call! felicity@bendtheriver.org

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Next Flow with Felicity coming out Friday 7th March.

What grabbed your interest?

If this prompts you to do something different or supports a reframe, I'd love to celebrate and support the changes you are making. Keep me in the loop :) I love an update.

felicity@bendtheriver.org